This thing called marriage

Marriage is a miracle in itself.  I cannot fathom how two broken people can stay together and constantly work out their relationship aiming to be one in mind, heart, and soul.  If you have been married for quite some time, celebrating your anniversary every year takes you to memory lane of how you both went through the ups and downs and survived.

My husband and I attended our annual marriage retreat last month and we always learn something new every year.  It was a two-day retreat, but we skipped the next day – as we always do every year 😉  The late Friday night always gets us the next morning. Nevertheless, I am satisfied with just one day rather than nothing at all.

The couple speaker for that night has seven kids and has been married for 30 years – those two credentials mean they knew what they were saying. As we have been attending seminars for so many years, the first session is usually the entertaining part.  We got surprised that we talked about deep stuff right away like how to stay friends and how to guard ourselves from infidelity, they were not wasting any time. We heard all the sermons about these topics and I was just hoping I will not be bored to death on a Friday evening. After a not-so-entertaining session, we had a 10-minute break, then they switched to another subject which hit home.

They talked about Leah and Rachel in the Bible where Jacob intended to marry Rachel but was deceived by his father-in-law and got Leah instead.  They pointed that a lot of couples had high hopes before their marriage.  But they wake up one day and realized the person they married is not the same person they were dating.  They will immediately say “I did not sign up for this. Where was the fun and loving person I knew?”  The pastor told us that when he does premarital counseling, he tells the couple- especially the woman- that the person they will marry is a criminal.  He has committed crimes and he will commit more towards you.  This kind of counseling usually makes the couple feel uneasy because it breaks their dreamy union to a reality.  The main point of the speaker was that you think you got the wrong partner, but you are actually blessed and you are more productive with that person- 10 children came from Leah who became the 10 tribes of Israel.  In other words, we have a lot of expectations from our spouse from different angles.  Comparison heightens the expectations. Moreover, we all want to make our spouses to be our best friend, but this set up is so rare.  Great for those few couples who has this relationship, but for the majority, this might be a false standard. If you want your spouse to be your friend, be a friend first. He jokingly said, God gave you a complete different person so you won’t magnify your weaknesses twice.  One of the tensions in couples is usually their high expectations.  Lower your expectations, but aim to be a better spouse.  Grow together not train one another.

Today, we are celebrating our 16th wedding anniversary and I am taking that message to take a chill pill.  I want to grow with my husband.  I don’t want to teach him like a child, but to acknowledge that I need also some learning.  Yes, marriage is a miracle in itself.  God has rescued and at the same time blessed us as a couple.  He will continually do so as we put the spotlight on the real reason why we are still together-God.  To my husband, I thank God for you everyday.  I am so looking forward to celebrate more anniversaries with you.  Here’s to 16 years of marriage and beyond! Cheers!

 

 

 

The Case of Now and Later (How to Stay Married series)

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When it comes to domestic help, I think most women have the same definition of “now and later” but I doubt if men share the same sentiment. In my case, “now” means right this very hour, “later” means in the next few hours, the latest will be within the day.  The problem with this is that my husband has his own agenda.  He has things to do (legitimate ones) so naturally he will immediately say “later.” My later is really now but his later can be the next day or whenever he is free which will drive me crazy.

How then can we agree to these terms without having a big argument?  Good communication is the key.  As of now, we are still working towards a common time that’s acceptable for both of us and I like to believe we are improving. I remember “calmly” discussing a specific chore and telling him my expectations so I won’t get mad at him.  He gave his side and we agreed on a reasonable action.  Bottom line, there should be a deadline – at least this works for us.

There will be two things I need to implement.

1. I need to discuss the chores one at a time in a calm manner.  One at a time means a few weeks in between. I think men will listen more if women are not hyperventilating while airing their requests.  For some reason, being calm makes me sound and look logical (duh?).  Men  want to listen to a more sane person.
2. I need to restrain myself from doing the chore after the delegation because I will end up frustrated. It’s a boomerang effect.

I have a secret agenda of delegating more chores in the future, simply because we will end up doing the work when we are empty nesters. We might as well get used to it now. The balance to this mentality is to “chill.” Yes, the training will be for the future, but I have to look at our situation now.  We have a young family and we are both busy trying to build our home.  Patience, forgiveness, and kindness will come in handy.

I have a phrase that I tell myself when I am frustrated and I am going to share this to my fellow species.  The phrase is PICK YOUR FIGHT.  Is it worth the big argument?  Can you let go and ask again some other time when you are calmer?  To all my friends, I say pick your fight today. Prevent another wrinkle in your face. Enjoy and celebrate your marriage. Smile more. Laugh more. Have a great week everyone!

5 Love Languages

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The “5 Love Languages” book has tremendously helped us as a couple. Prior to this book, we often complained about not getting the attention we need from each other. We were clueless on how to fill each other’s “love bank” until this precious resource landed in our laps.

The book simply states that your spouse has varying degrees of satisfaction in receiving love.  Author Gary Chapman gives 5 main expressions:

Words of Affirmation

This simply means that your spouse feels most loved when you shower him with compliments.  When you acknowledge your spouse’s effort and say like “You’re the man!” “Great job!” “I don’t know how we can do this without you!” then you are basically indulging your spouse with love.

For some who are not too expressive just like me, we need to be deliberate.  One wise lady gave me a valuable advice years ago.  She said that I need to be my husband’s number one cheerleader.  If I think my husband’s gesture is sweet, I need to say it, not just simply thank him. These are the moments that I need to speak my mind.  Admittedly, we tend to criticize more than praise our spouses.  Let’s aim to say a positive word everyday.

Acts of Service

Any form of service is a love expression to your spouse.  This part is a bit tricky.  Since there are forms of service that are part of the usual chore, you need to sit down with your spouse and define specifically what act of service you both feel loved.

I can iron his clothes, cook, and clean the house and claim that I have done service, but he feels extra special when I do an extra mile like handing him a drink after a long day.  All acts of service can easily be taken for granted, especially those that are necessary.  If your husband drove you after a day’s work, then he is trying to send signals of love.  Thank him for doing it.  Thank your spouse for cooking meals.

Receiving Gifts

The title explains it all.  This probably is the most expensive one.  Couples need to be creative in giving gifts.

Quality Time

This requires focus.  For quality time to happen, an undivided and unhurried attention is key. While going out on a date is a great way to spend time with each other, make sure that you talk about life when you are out.  Don’t just eat and check this off from a list that you need to fulfill for your spouse.  Quality time is getting to know each other.  It’s not talking about schedules, but it’s more discussing deeper stuff with your spouse.  Talk about dreams and how you both have been feeling lately.  To add some variety and to avoid making your spouse your therapist, do something together that you both love.

Physical Touch

This doesn’t mean that you need to wrap your arms around your spouse the whole time.  A simple pat in the back or probably linking arms while talking can mean a lot to a person who falls into this criteria.

How do you know your love language?

One of the clues to know your own love language is look at the very things you are doing for your spouse.  If you often give gifts to please your spouse, then probably it is more your love language.  You serve because you want him to serve you back.  We tend to act out our own love language because we want our spouses to do the same.  If you want to spend time with your spouse, your love language is quality time.  If you tell your spouse I love you almost every day, then most probably yours is words of affirmation.  In discovering your own love language, it is possible that you have two prominent ones.  Let your spouse know what they are.

To know more about these expressions of love, you can purchase the book here. There is a short test in the book for you to know your love language.  It also includes practical tips on how to fill up each other’s love bank.

Foundations of Marriage (How to stay married series)

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Why do we have to marry anyway?  When did this concept of union start? Why is it easy to get married, but hard to stay in it?

In order for us to understand the value of marriage, we need to trace where it all began.  Marriage started way back from Creation.  When God created man in his own image, he made him in charge of all that He had made.  He placed the man in the garden of Eden to work it and keep it. God knew that Adam needed a companion.  He said, “It is not good that man should be alone.” God brought every animal to Adam for him to name it, but he did not find a suitable helper for him (Genesis 2:15-20).

God then put Adam into a deep sleep. He took one of his ribs and formed the woman.  He then brought her to Adam.  Upon seeing Eve, he said,

“This at last is bone of my bones and the flesh of my flesh;

She shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.”

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they will become one flesh (Genesis 2:23-24).

There you go.  We live in a couples’ world because God is the author of marriage.  I wish I can say, “…and they lived happily ever after.”  But they did not.

The next chapter of Genesis explained how we messed up and invoked  all curses upon ourselves.  The very curse that tagged this world “fallen.”

Marriage is a blessing.  God is the author of this union and planned it that way.  We try to be on track and be in this union hoping we will fully benefit from it, but there is a little complication – the curse of our sinful nature will always be at war with God’s plan.  That is when the “staying” part in marriage is hard.  We need to constantly surrender our sinful nature, so God can take over.

There is no way you can fulfill your vows.  You cannot be consistent as long as you are called human.  That’s why during the wedding ceremony, the union is not just between man and woman but also with God.  You need God to keep you together.  You need a greater submission to God because on your own, you often want to call it quits.

Practically, in my opinion, there are three basic lifelines, you need to stay married:  submission to God, intervention of a professional marriage counselor and prayer from your close friends/relatives.

I congratulated my friend for celebrating her 20th wedding anniversary.  I told her. “Wow, 20 years! How did you get here?”  She said, “You wake up every day and decide to stay married.”

I agree.  It is a decision.  A decision to pick your fights.  A decision to let go of an issue.  A decision to not give up – one day at a time.  The decision to lower your pride, to come down from your throne and let God be the King of your marriage. The same decision when you said, “I take you as my spouse, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part.”

How to stay married series

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Two people with different personalities, with different upbringing, and not to mention with different hang-ups will try to live together forever in this bond called marriage. Some perceived it to be too risky and almost impossible that they refuse to label their relationship with more complications so they just don’t tie the knot.  And there are some who still believe in this promise of forever.

For those who are married, how do you stay married when there are just too many failed marriages nowadays.  Sadly, there is no magic number of years that will make your marriage divorce proof.  Yes, there will be less arguments when you grow older but it won’t be spared from attacks.  I have seen it myself, marriages crumble in church and among my friends.  I thought I would write a series of making marriage work.  I will draw from my own experience, what I learned from others, and even open this conversation to suggestions.  I do not claim to be an expert on this.  I can only speak as far as the number of years I am married.  Beyond that, I will blog about the things I heard and seen from couples who are married 20 years and beyond. I will be writing about relational issues and throw in some activities that will help couples connect more (I need a lot of ideas in this area so please help me out on this).

The goal is to help and learn from one another.  Are you ready to talk?  Let’s start.

I still do

I got married last week… Again.

Two months ago, my husband sat down with me and gave me some options to celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary.  If we will have a mini getaway, babysitting will always be our concern.  Then he threw a crazy idea of renewing our vows.  My first reaction was… What?!

The first thought that came into my mind was the hassle of organizing a wedding.  I don’t know about other brides, but I was nervous and stressed on my wedding day even if we had a lot of help. We invited 300 guests.  We had two buffet tables – Indian and Filipino.  We held it in one of Manila’s historic gardens and decided to hold it at night. I think we had 20 godmothers and godfathers. It was a rainy week but for some reason the skies stopped pouring that night.  My husband surprised me with fireworks as we kissed and I surprised him with a song as we continued the celebration.

This was the context of my reaction.  And besides, I thought it was a bit early to renew our vows. Probably it was more appropriate when we reach our 20th or 25th anniversary. So I said no.  I told him I wanted a simple celebration.  He assured me that it would be simple.  He said we could hold it in our backyard and invite less than 20 friends.  Simple food. Simple ceremony.  I was reluctant until he told me, “and I will organize everything.”  That phrase made me agree.

Little did I know that my husband was planning this event nine months ago.  The week before the renewal, he told me to postpone homeschooling for 2-3 days. Double what?!  I started to whine and told him this was the very thing that I was against – all the preparation.  He just told me, “Trust me, please.”

Everything was hidden from me except the guest list.  I didn’t know the venue, the food we will serve, etc. The only thing assigned to me was to get myself a dress and help the kids get their outfits.

The ceremony was Saturday, my daughter and I spent 6 hours of buying each family member an outfit six days before the event.  I felt like we were out of town since we don’t usually shop for clothes.  It was fun shopping with my oldest. Thank God for a grown daughter who was patient and had a fashion sense more than her mother!

We usually clean the house on a Friday, but my husband asked if we could clean on a Wednesday. Seriously?!  Talking about pressure.  I was just wondering why he wanted me to free up Thursday and Friday.  He asked me if we can have lunch together on a Thursday after I teach.  Now, that I don’t mind. Unfortunately, we got snowed on that day and ended up staying at home.  He left the house with my son and told me he had to do errands.  While he was away, I sneaked in some homeschooling with my other kids.

When my husband arrived, I saw my son with a lady approaching our front door. I was not wearing any eye contacts that everything was a blur.  I thought probably that was our neighbor trying to accompany my son in the snow.  Maybe my son did something? When my kids opened the door, I could not believe my eyes, I just exclaimed, “Oh, my goodness!” My close friend who recently moved to Omaha flew in just to help organize the event!  It was a great surprise! I will have a sleepover party with her!

That’s why my husband wanted me to free up two days before the ceremony because she will come and I will be busy enjoying her company.  She was my gift 🙂 And so we did some catching up and she revealed a few party preparations.  I had fun!

The day finally arrived and my husband gave me some driving directions to the venue while he needed to go earlier to set up.  I arrived with my two smaller kids in a quaint yard that had a small cabin.  There were a few tables with white linens and white flowers scattered in one area of the yard. Two tables were set in the middle of the yard: one for the food and one for drinks. A server went out to fix the table. And my husband said he got Costco food. Great prank! All the furniture inside the cabin was moved to the side and a long white table with flowers was in the middle. It was an alternate set up just in case we will be threading snow that day. It was a snowy week, but for some reason the ice melted the day before and the sun was shining that day. Yes, God always decides to let nature cooperate every time we do this.

We knew the guests- all 20 of them. We just don’t know them, but they closely worked with us, both in our business and personal lives. My husband and I can run to these people. We knew they were the first who will help us in times of trouble. They are our accountability.

We did not have any procession. My kids sat in the front row. A friend of ours made a trellis as our altar. The minister proceeded with his 10-minute message and we started to exchange our personal vows.

When we got married we said the generic wedding vows that a minister dictates. This time we took time to create our own. Saying my vows in the context of knowing my husband’s weaknesses and fully knowing that in reality, everything were not all rosy, was a scary thing. I told him that I did not totally comprehend what I said 15 years ago, but now I know I decided to start every vow with “By the grace of God.”

After 15 years of ups and downs and four kids later, the answer is still I do. He recited his humorous poem ending with “my honeybee” but proceeded with a serious version, which made me cry. Everyone’s phone camera was on us. He promised he will listen to me and I loudly said, “Yes!” All the guests were laughing.

Everyone, including me, enjoyed the whole event. I actually liked it better than my first. The guests also enjoyed the garden event and we all agreed that we should do this more often for couples.

The amazing thing about the event was that it was a reflection of God’s faithfulness in our marriage and our vow renewal hopefully was a testimony to our kids. Yes, we needed to renew our vows not just because it was a sweet thing to do, but it was a declaration of God’s faithfulness in our future.

I still do. I love my husband. I still believe in happily ever after. And most importantly, I do believe in God’s grace and faithfulness to keep two broken people together in a broken world. I still do.

The Makings of Ms. Always Right

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My husband and I sat down with a friend the other week.  He candidly say that he never won an argument with his wife. There are times he thought he did, but it always bounced back to him. I loudly said, “Amen!” That is so true.

I chuckled, thinking how did I end up thinking I am always right, especially dealing with my hubby.  And I thought about all my reasons and probably a lot of women can relate.

1.  Women are more intuitive- God made us this way.  We are more sensitive to our surroundings so we assess better than men.  We put into account all factors before we decide. Men just decide what’s logical period.  Naturally, the more info you weigh the better your judgment. Miss Always Right is on the rise.

2.  Women connect with other women- When women get together, they share stories.  The more you connect with other women, the more stories you get to compare and the more you learn about the norm of life.  So when your husband tells you something that’s a little negative, Miss Always Right will pull this card and say, “Oh, you don’t know what other women do.” or “We have the cleanest house compared to them.”

3.  Most women gather information through books and media.  The more knowledge, the more stored weapons to win an argument.  I heard some quoting a book in the middle of a conversation.

4.  Women are more spiritual.  When your wife says, “God says…” it’s the end of the battle. Totally unfair for the husbands in my opinion.

5.  Women process everything in detail and in a wider perspective, couple with gut feeling.  Who can win that? But mostly, women process every lesson in life and take to heart their experience.  This eventually form their own beliefs. Hopefully, the right ones.

6.  We are weaker physically, but stronger emotionally.  The thought of ‘women has rights and should be treated equally’ is embedded in each woman.  So I guess every woman rises up to defend her rights in every argument – making sure that the husbands are not bossing them around.  We are equals, you know.

7.  Women spend their time mostly in managing the home and the kids.  They are the operations manager.  They know more stuff about the kids than husbands do.  Guess who will win if there is an argument in this area.

8.  Most women are born leaders.  They just lead so if your hubby doesn’t plan and communicate, Miss Always Right will run him over.

Yes, we hold a lot of influence and we are empowered beings. But just like a good leader who doesn’t abuse power, we ought not to use this for any manipulative tactics.  Acknowledging that our husbands are still the head of the household, I ‘sometimes’ keep quiet and pray.  As long as I said my piece, I will be hoping that he will be convinced otherwise.  And of course, if I am proven right, I will secretly smile, holding my “I told you so” comment 😉

‘Til Death Do Us Part

Divorce. Separation. Annulment.

I have seen a lot of couples go through all these.  Some were a surprise. All of them are backed up by millions of reasons why they need to end their marriage.

They usually complain that their partner is not the same person they married.  From abuse, infidelity, addiction, financial mistrust to unhappiness, selfishness and lack of connection to their partner.

This is the world we live in where marriage counseling is too short or even neglected to save a marriage.  Both parties are too proud to give in.  Both don’t trust each other.  Partners go into self preservation to regain their lost confidence and lost belief of something that will last.  Every situation involves an array of complicated reasons.

I am going to veer away from the big and long standing complicated issues but I will talk about the makings of a broken marriage.

It starts when both spouses rearrange their priorities.  Kids over their marriage.  Work over their marriage.  Relatives over their marriage.  Finances over their marriage.

It starts when you both quit trying to work it out.  Nobody is starting to change their behavior towards each other.  No apologies. No kind words spoken.

It starts when trust is gone.  You don’t trust that your spouse can change.  You don’t trust every promise hereafter.

It starts when bitterness and unforgiveness settle in the heart.  Love and bitterness cannot exist together.

It starts when you lose all hope that everything will be alright.

It starts when you listen to a specific mindset. Closing your ears to all counsel because you are dead set with your decision.

Instead of trying to change the way you relate to your spouse, you justify your anger and think you need to spare the kids from seeing all the heated arguments by ending your marriage.

When we enter the sacred union of matrimony with God as the witness, we all made promises that are binding.  We do it in the presence of God because we are frail to fulfill that promise “‘Til death do us part.”  We needed God in that ceremony trusting Him to come through for us when life gets tough.

Marriage is a always a work in progress.  You always work at it.  You always fight for it.  You always try to be a better spouse.  More kind words, more date nights, more trust, more clear communication throughout the years.  You need to be deliberate.  You need to prioritize. Without God, we cannot be consistent.  We cannot be loving towards one another.  We cannot respond kindly when hurting words are always received.  We cannot operate as a team when you don’t trust your teammate.

From the moment you get married to the moment you celebrate your golden anniversary, it is all by GOD’S GRACE.  We all need God to go through this complicated union and as the years go by to hope that true unity will be in our marriage.

To all those who are reading this, don’t give up.  Ask help.  Talk to counselors or friends that can help you.  Ask God to change you rather than asking God to change your partner.  Ask God to heal you.  Change will take place for sure.  You are just making the first move because if you won’t nothing will happen.  Yes, it’s a risk.  It’s scary to get hurt.  But if you already asked God for help to save your marriage, He will be on your side.  Whether you both need a breather by temporarily being apart, do what it takes but for the meantime seek help.  The objective of the breather is to save a marriage not a transition to something permanent.  Pray, pray, pray.  Act on your prayer.

I heard this from someone,  “Your love towards each other is the best gift you can give to your children.” Always hope for the best. God bless us all!

Can you hear me now?

 

Is this a familiar scene? The wife tries to tell her husband how she feels and the husband quickly tries to give a solution.  The result- two frustrated people who can’t understand each other.

My husband and I have our share on this complicated and hard to master thing called communication. To all the husbands out there, let me try to explain how this works in a woman’s perspective and give you some survival tips.

• Most women communicate based on their emotions .  You will notice that she will mostly start her sentences with “I feel…”
• She doesn’t want your opinion. She just wants you to listen.
• If she asks you then immediately rants again, she is not really asking you.
• During this venting of emotions, husbands please try to listen. The woman will look for signs if you are listening.  She wants you to put down your phone, close your laptop, turn off the TV, and face her when she is talking.
• There is a big possibility that you are not interested with what she is upset about. Pretend anyway. Say something like “Hmmm…,” “Aaah…”
• One big tip: Repeat the last sentence she said and ask how does she feel about it?  Men, you will score a touchdown by just doing that.
• Do not look at the clock or your watch.  Do not tap on the table or show anything that you are getting impatient.
• Do not interrupt her, when she is in the middle of explaining her feelings, so you can shorten the conversation.  YOUR INTERRUPTION WILL COST YOU A 15-MINUTE EXTENSION!
• When she is done, hug her and tell her you are there to listen.  Tell her you hope everything will be better.  After she is done venting out and she asks about your opinion, that’s the real question.
• When you respond, do not say the words – It’s simple.  Do not criticize or question her for being upset. Remember that most of the time she knows already the answer to her dilemma. She asks for your opinion to get you involved in her world and not to get your solution. Give your opinion long enough to tell her you were listening. Do not give a one liner response.

There you go. Yes, women are complicated but patience is the key.  While it seems like you haven’t done much, but you deposited a lot to your wife’s love tank.  Believe me, you will reap the benefits.

 

Happy Anniversary!

Today, we are celebrating our 14th wedding anniversary!  Let me pause longer to let this thought sink in.  That is a lot of memories together! Wow.  In our case, 14 years produced 4 beautiful kids.

We started our day greeting each other and exchanging gifts.  We got our reservation at a fancy restaurant for the evening. When I hugged my husband this morning, I tried to get some space in his arms because my third child was also hugging him. I had to tell my kid, “Excuse me, can I hug daddy?”. For those who don’t have kids yet, this same scenario might happen to you when you celebrate your anniversary in the future.

The one thing that struck me this morning was my husband’s greeting card.  It was a funny card but his personal note gave a pinch in my heart that I went up to him and assured him.  He basically apologized for not meeting my expectations and that he will give his 100% to do better.

I did not notice that all my complaints and demands are more than the praises I give.  You see, I have mastered the art of nagging.  From a subtle, religious and preachy version to the usual louder version.  I will never admit to this crime because I have tons of reasons why I repeat all my requests.  I am Ms. Always Right. The repetitions are so embedded in me that it became a habit.  As my husband will say, I am so skilled in “judo”- using the strength of my opponent against them. In other words, at the end of the conversation he will end up the bad guy.

I realized some things.  It doesn’t mean I don’t voice out what I want from him but I need to know the boundary from demanding my wants to the point of letting God deal with my husband and bring the change in him.  This is so hard!  One thing, the changes you want doesn’t come overnight.  This means hubby will forget most of the time.  Of course, being a dutiful wife, I will remind him.  If he forgets everyday, I will remind him everyday.  The problem is I get impatient, upset, and tired reminding him.  You see the cycle?  One wife shared that she posts sticky notes to remind her husband on the house chores he is supposed to do that day. Eliminating any talk with the additional upset tone you bring to the conversation. Lord, why am I blogging about this?!

I also realized that if he is consciously trying to do his best to meet my expectations, I need to do my part.  I should be more deliberate by being his number one cheerleader. I need to be mindful in speaking positive words more often to lift him up at the end of the day.

Truth.  I am not Ms. Always Right although I act one most days.

I thank God for my husband for being loving and patient.  I thank God because he is willing to improve every time.  Yes, he is not perfect and so am I.  14 years and counting.  I love my husband and I look forward to more years in growing and learning together.  Every year is worth celebrating because all our ups and downs bring us closer . To my dearest honey, Happy Anniversary!